Technology (Mis)Use and Your Relationship
Safety Alert: Computer use can be monitored and it is impossible to completely clear your browser history. If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or 800-787-3224 en Español.
Technology facilitates modern life, with nearly all of us relying on our cell phones, email and social media to communicate, stay connected, and talk with our spouses and partners. According to one study, 89% of service members own a smart phone, and over half report regular social media activity. Smartphones and other devices are the place where much of life happens, including where unhealthy relationship patterns can develop.
As a result, it comes as no surprise that the misuse of technology in relationships is a growing form of domestic abuse. A majority of civilian domestic violence agencies report providing technology-specific advocacy and services for victims in 2018.
What is Technology-Facilitated Abuse?
Technology-facilitated abuse, sometimes called digital abuse, is the use of communications such as texts, social media or emails to bully, harass or intimidate a partner. It also includes stalking behaviors where one partner uses apps and malware to “keep tabs” on the other partner’s location, activities and communications with friends and family.
Examples of behavior that may indicate your partner’s misuse of technology include:
- Unwanted tracking of your location. Many apps, including fitness apps and social media apps, share your location. If your partner is tracking your location when you don’t want them to be, this could be considered stalking or controlling behavior.
- Pushing for explicit content. You should be comfortable with the material that you are sharing with your partner. Pressuring you to share texts, images or videos, particularly of a sexual nature, are signs of sexual coercion.
- Unwanted sharing. Your partner should not be sharing texts, images or videos from you without your consent.
- Emotional abuse. Does your partner talk about you or to you in a negative or insulting way on social media, via text or through messaging apps? Do they send you messages that sound negative, insulting or even like threats? Are you afraid of not responding immediately to your partner’s texts, calls, emails or messages? This behavior may be emotional abuse, or an indication of bullying or harassment.
- Privacy violations. Even within a relationship, each partner has the right to privacy. Sharing of passwords, texts, phone calls and social media accounts should be consensual, with both parties agreeing to the sharing. Demanding to know your passwords, checking your phone logs or reading your personal messages, are all signs of possessiveness and controlling behavior. For more information, read this article on privacy and your cell phone.
Recognizing How Tech Works in Your Relationship
Sometimes it is difficult to know when the use of technology is appropriate or not, and the answer may vary for different couples. The important thing to remember is: if you feel your partner may be using technology to control you, something is wrong. When you examine the role tech plays in your relationship or that of someone you love, it can be helpful to do so with a clear understanding of your rights in a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, you should feel empowered to:
- Control how, when and whether any images of you are posted online or on social media, or communicated via email or text.
- Turn off your phone and spend time with friends and family without fear of your partner getting angry.
- Say no to sending pictures, videos or information digitally to your partner that make you uncomfortable.
- Keep your logins and passwords private.
- Control your own privacy settings and activities on social networking sites and decide whether to accept any tags of yourself in photos shared by others.
Above all, you deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationship, online or off. It is always a good idea to talk to your partner and set clear expectations about how you want to use tech in your relationship, and what behaviors cross a line for you. Consider this resource from LoveIsRespect.org, a project of the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
If you have let your partner know that their behavior with technology makes you uncomfortable, yet the behavior continues, then you have cause for concern. When your partner’s misuse of tech becomes habitual, it’s domestic abuse.
What to Do if Technology Use in Your Relationship Isn’t Safe
If the use of tech in your relationship has become a problem, know it is not your fault. You are not alone, and help is available. Whether you are looking for help in talking to your partner about “hitting reset” on the use of tech in your relationship to establish healthy boundaries—or want to report domestic abuse facilitated through technology—the military community has your back.
- Contact your local Family Advocacy Program, and an advocate can work with you to develop healthy boundaries in your relationship, create a technology safety plan or help you document digital abuse.
- Understand military reporting options. Know how to report domestic abuse in the military and what happens when you do. To learn more about military reporting options, including how to manage your safety, contact a Family Advocacy Program victim advocate.
- Get help from the civilian community. If you are concerned about your safety and need immediate support, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.