Getting Married in the Military

Thinking of getting married? There are a lot of great reasons to tie the knot — but have you thought about the key factors that it takes for a lifelong commitment? Review our checklist and articles to see if your relationship is military strong. Marriage may be right for both of you if:

• You can imagine yourselves together far into the future.
• You share the same basic values.
• You feel the same way about having children and agree on how to raise them.
• You feel that you bring out the best in each other.
• You respect and appreciate each other.
• You communicate well.

You should think especially hard about whether marriage is the right decision if:

• You think marriage will change you or your significant other. Keep in mind that marriage is unlikely to change anything. In fact, it may make matters worse by raising the stakes for both of you.
• You want to share military benefits. While this is certainly tempting, by itself it’s not enough reason to enter into a legally binding contract with another person.
• You are afraid your relationship will fall apart during deployment if you don’t marry. If you doubt your relationship will last a separation, it probably won’t last a lifetime.

You may have grown up in a military family, but to your significant other, military life may be new. Talk to them about the following points and encourage them to explore what it takes to be a military spouse. As an activity, compare childhoods or discuss what everyday married life will look like.

Long deployments, separations and other military obligations bring challenges that civilians don’t face. If you’re thinking of marrying a service member, keep the following in mind:

• Be prepared to spend a lot of time without your spouse. You may be separated for months at a time, including during holidays, birthdays, family events and the inevitable crises of family life.
• Make sure you can handle finances, home maintenance and repairs alone.
• Make sure you are ready to move often and possibly see less of your family.
• Be prepared for certain obligations to military readiness groups. You’ll also need to adapt gracefully to new social situations, make new friends and get involved.
• Be prepared for a flexible career. You may need to stay behind for work, get licensed in new states, work remotely or part time, or handle periods of unemployment.

There is no military spouse pay or stipend, but the military offers a number of benefits to help service members and their families. Your first stop after the wedding should be the nearest military ID card issuing facility to enroll in the Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System, or DEERS.

Once enrolled, you can access military benefits, including health care and health insurance.

Other benefits include:

• Access to commissaries and exchanges
• Free gyms, libraries and other recreation opportunities
• Free tax services
• Free, confidential counseling services
• Help with education and career goals
• Military discounts

The military is not a job in the traditional sense. Service members are honor-bound to complete their duty, even when their responsibilities conflict with family time.

• In addition to deployments, service members often are assigned to shift work, unconventional hours, temporary duty stations, training programs and other responsibilities that take them away from home.
• Service members often work on important holidays and life events; they may even miss the birth of their children or have to leave very soon after they are born.

Keep your service member’s feelings in mind as you begin your married life together. Striking a balance between duty and family may be more difficult than a new spouse expects. The call to duty is not personal; a military couple can grow stronger keeping that in mind.

The military is full of traditions, protocols and rules. Some military protocols are steeped in tradition and meaning; some are fun; and others keep your service member safe and ready for duty.

There are rules about public displays of affection, social media posts, base security, standing for the national anthem and Taps, and more. Here are some examples:

• If you see a movie on base, be ready to stand for the national anthem before the previews.
• If you need to run errands at the commissary, you may have an armed guard check under your car with a mirror while on your way.
• You may learn something or take a picture that you cannot post on social media, such as Facebook.

There are also special ceremonies for promotion, branch- or rank-specific rites of passage and lots of opportunities to show your military pride.

Most military spouses work, and no matter where you are in your education or career path, support and scholarships are available for military spouses who want to find a job, get promoted or head back to school.

Many military spouses pursue careers that can move with them, if necessary. Making your career portable means developing the skills and training and getting the licenses, degrees and certifications that employers want in high-growth, high-demand fields and occupations. Popular “portable careers” include teaching and child care, nursing, event planning, engineering and customer service. Many employers offer the option to work remotely as well.

Military spouses qualify for programs that make it easier to find federal jobs and positions on military bases. Other programs offer scholarships and financial help to pay for college, certifications and other trainings. The SpouseWorks program is a great place to learn about your options.

There are a number of official resources to help you achieve your best military life, including:

• On-installation Military and Family Support Center
• Military Life for Spouses MilLife Guide
• Military OneSource concierge-like support services

In addition, there are a number of unofficial support systems, including Facebook groups and meetups. Some commands have very developed spouse networks, while others are less active. Either way, you must be proactive if you want to meet people. Your new spouse will likely be your best resource as you look for ways to join their military community.

Your significant other has already made a major, life-altering commitment — to serve their country. Before you tie the knot, it’s important to understand some of the ways and available resources to help you embrace marriage and military life.